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July 11th, 2009
12:29 am - Forgetting the Truffle
Young Dragoslav slipped over sea and memory and landed at Liberty, with stars in his eyes and shoes in his business plan. Met a grandmother on Greyhound to Milwaukee. Saw the kindness in her and they married by fall.
A castle starts with its foundation, and an American hero with a sturdy sole.
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June 19th, 2009
10:49 pm - desperate times/measures
I'm supposedly employed, but I haven't started, so it's not really helping me yet. I got interviewed for another job, and it went well enough, but the half-life on an offer is infinitely approaching no.
My school term ends next week. It's gonna be intense.
My mom's coming in later in the week. Always nice to see Mom.
I get so tired. I do all I can (who doesn't?) and where does it get me? I guess a person just laughs. Like you laugh sometimes if you trip and fall hard. Yeah, I just threw you a physical fact and metaphor, all at once. It's alright to fawn over me. I know you've never met such a wordsmith.
Interviewed some big shots for a class assignment. I can't even talk about it. Turns out that in my ambition, I missed the one requirement, that the interviewee be someone who actually manages people. So I called my uncle who is a successful entrepreneur, not to mention a fun guy. We had an interesting chat about management matters, and it should make for a good paper.
I applied to volunteer on weekends with detail/data matters at the main DC library. I know, another thing to stress on? Why? Well, there's something about getting out of the house, especially to the city, as much as possible for a purpose that's all my own. The library is cleaner than my room will ever be; it seems like a good place to catch some serenity. Not to mention the inherent upsides of volunteering.
Grading is not flattering me at the moment. Far from failing, but not nearly as far as I should be. Especially considering how many of my most ideal goals are GPA-dependent. I guess I can make a decent finish and hope for better in future classes.
Factors are just the amount of distracting matters to attend to, the sheer speed of summer classes, and the sheer workload of web classes. And weird little issues in web classes, like an exam that was supposed to be closed-book "because you won't have time to refer to the book." I followed the rules and kept the book closed, and I finished with plenty of time to spare, and I ended up feeling like a tool because I could have done much better with the book, which I certainly did have time to refer to. But would it be against the rules? How to know? How to ask?
Finally, I'm just not used to school anymore. Having to get re-acclimated.
Current Music: knight owl "I rock the gansta shit"
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June 11th, 2009
08:31 am - same but not
In Flagstaff the summers were Zen time. The students mostly went home, whether they wanted to or not. Those of us who remained had some very relaxed party time in between our nominal purposes. Plus, you know, still licking our wounds from the Pho, we were like, what good is summer anyway? At least it felt a bit like winter on those 40-50 degree starry nights.
Whereas here in Cityland, people may laugh and breathe more when summer comes, but the pace is faster if anything. You realize just how many damn people there are, when they're all outside. The warmth is welcomed with open arms, seeing as how there was never any Phoenix to come from (or escape to). And warm it is, day and night.
And you know what, it works. Took some getting used to, though. Last year was baptism by fire. This year it's just fire.
I've got the hubris to say next fall ('10), or soon after, I want to start grad school. I should be (barely) done with my current studies by then. It could be one of a couple pursuits. I figure I'll apply for both, and decide based on response.
All considered, there's one more year, at least, in this town. Time to act like I have a good long year, not like one foot's out the door.
Current Music: matt nathanson- car crash
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June 8th, 2009
10:16 am - Waking Up
I have a job waiting in downtown Washington. They're checking my background right now. I start as soon as they're done. It's fairly important (not so much what I'll do as who I'll be working for), and even kind of secretive. So I'll be all mysterious now. It's temporary, but long-term, with much promotion potential.
I had lined up an interview to be a stock broker trainee on Long Island, but I came to realize that I couldn't cut it without relocation money, and they were not into that. So, interview cancelled.
I did get excited about New York. Maybe it's in the cards one of these days. The selling point for Washington is always its economic stability. But I realized that regardless of its economy at any given time, the sheer size of New York means there are always plenty of opportunities to look into. The job boards there are so ridiculously full, that one never has to wait long for something new to pop up.
Schoolwork is keeping me reasonably busy. Today is going to be non-stop.
Clearly I'm not so bored anymore.
Current Music: analog jetpack- what say we?
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June 5th, 2009
11:21 pm - RIP LiveJournal?
Just stating the obvious, and marveling at it:
It seems like the recent drop-off on this site (and blog sites in general) is astounding and unprecedented, and I'm pretty sure it's mainly due to the inexplicable sudden mainstream adoption of Facebook. I know that's the main reason in my case. Which is weird because I've been on Facebook all along, but with all these new users it's a completely different, much more addictive phenomenon.
Perhaps the more interesting phenomenon is the overall way that the social Internet has gone mainstream. It opens up a whole new world for the new users, of course, but what people might not realize is just how much it has changed things for the long-time users.
For the longest time, this was a frontier land of rebels, freaks and geeks, and it was accepted and even encouraged for users to be as weird and shocking as possible. I mean, you knew that others were watching, but you also knew that there was generally an inverse correlation between the time they spent looking and the severity of their disapproval.
Plus, of course, you didn't entirely care. It was a different time for the early online generations. We had fewer responsibilities and didn't really have to pay mind to what people thought. Now we're growing up and we do kinda have(/want?) to care, and we're reminded of that every time we log on to Fbook and see our Grandma (okay, not just yet). Not that our elders' eyes are the reason why we watch ourselves, but rather that seeing their posts is a constant reminder that our whole world has changed, for good, bad or whatever.
/I don't even know what I'm saying. It's been an eventful couple of weeks and my brain's scattered all over your breakfast plate. Goodnight.
Current Music: Pandora
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May 17th, 2009
11:29 pm - The state of things
It's pretty much summer here.
I start web classes in a week, through the community college. I'm going to become an accountant. That means I'll be living here for a good while, as it should take at least a year, and it won't all be online.
It feels good to be doing something smart for my future. I mean, anything you do is a gamble, but this seems like a good bet.
I have a feeling my job situation might improve (exist) this week. Couple of leads.
It's getting harder to imagine going back home. I do, however, want to reconnect with people in the somewhat near future. It gets to me not seeing all of you's.
Current Music: breaking point- all messed up
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May 14th, 2009
11:27 am - true-ish
Kilts above old stones with swords out, an old cliche and archetype. Professor broke it down. Finals tomorrow so we humored him.
Mom waited in my room, packing my trinkets for home, and probably reminiscing, as they do.
Ah summer. Bittersweet sounds on my speakers
...to live and die in the heart of America, where they sell souls...
Leap year meant politics up to frenzy level as election waited, and nothing like being young to make you say hey, I'll jump right in and fight.
Government was all passion though. The dark intrigue was reserved for love and sex and everything between. Dorm life like Amsterdam except no one was old or truly employed. All soap opera all the time.
Freedom just one of many beloved F words.
To be (almost) middle-class and grow up slow. Some only dream of it, and they may be better off.
On a less arty note, check out my US experience. There's a definite trend.
visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or Best time to visit Kowloon
Current Music: billy talent- fallen leaves
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April 30th, 2009
11:20 pm
Crazy damn times we live in.
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April 26th, 2009
01:35 pm - rethinking the reconsideration of the review
You know what, forget it. I'm renewing my commitment to this place, barring job offers elsewhere. I'm feeling the inertia big time, and a continuing sense of adventure too. The overall opportunity level is so much higher here, and it's nice here, and it's about to be summer which is awesome, apart from the crowds. But hey maybe it's time to open up to the pushy and nosy crowds, since I get lonely and all; maybe they can help.
It's just, the time probably isn't right to get out of here; there's too much resistance and my circumstances are too bare-bones. Timing is everything.
'Course I'm feeling good on account of a cloudless 90-degree day (hotter than Phoenix today!). It won't last, but it's fun.
It's crazy being so far from home, but maybe I'm crazy too.
The million dollar question being how I'll feel tomorrow, and the next day...
But hey, Phoenix employers, I mean it, call me. I'll consider it seriously.
Yeah it's all up in the air, but I can take it all. In any case, maybe it's time to start being really present here, not being elsewhere in my head. Just let it in, and see what happens.
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April 25th, 2009
08:23 pm - back to hell, or staying in the twilight zone?
I'm alone for the night, enjoying an 80-degree house after a sunny high 80s day. God bless it. There's quiet thunder outside now, setting the mood for reflection.
I remember when I first walked into this house. It felt really different then. The whole area did. The east coast was still a distantly remembered concept, and then suddenly it was everything. The novelty has definitely worn off as it all becomes familiar. Which is good and natural; you shouldn't be caught up in novelty when you've got a real urgent life to live.
I've been thinking of going back to Phoenix. Of the two places that are most "home" to me, Phoenix is the one with jobs.
This kind of thinking leads to two different kinds of desperation. On the one hand, I'm like no, I remember what it's like in the Valley. I spent twelve years being disappointed there. I look at possible neighborhoods on Street View, and I'm like, "really? That's where I want to be?" You know, some part of me imagines a little hill covered in black rocks and saguaros, soaking up a purple sunset, drenched in the smell of creosote. But most of Phoenix is not quite that inspiring, and the parts that are would not be good for me to live in because they're so remote from everything.
On the other hand, I'm like no, I can't stay here any longer. I'm an alien here, with no memories, no attachments, and I'll never get back the time I could have been spending with all the people I love, who are mostly back home. Sometimes I sort of like it here, sometimes I really don't. But it always kinda drives me crazy, and there isn't the warmth of memories and friends to balance out the crazy. And no, new friends cannot replace old friends.
Plus it's harder to make new friends in the absence of old friends. Ever noticed that? "I met so-and-so through so-and-so." I haven't been able to say that much lately.
Of course I started from scratch when I went to NAU, and yet it turned out so well that I still consider Flagstaff my home, far more than Phoenix. But that was college, and a small town, both of which are a whole different ballgame from what life demands right now. Flagstaff's current job market is either funny or sad. Probably both.
If I give it more time here, things will change. When I get a real job here, things will change. But will it be enough? And what will I be missing back home in the meantime?
So my mind's over half made up. But a big part of it is out of my hands, as usual.
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April 20th, 2009
10:54 pm - story of right now
It was a dark and stormy night, and summer would bring many more. My herb garden drank the rain like a fraternity pledge on Halloween.
I had tried to make cucumber dip and I awaited my brother's opinion.
I was fresh from the Chesapeake southern-pine flats where I'd been canoeing, and pulling apart the warm bodies of fresh-cooked blue crabs, taking in the full flavor of the world's ocean in an animal that eats whatever floats by.
I was a pin cushion in the bad economy, with a personality not entirely built for lean times. Countless small needs went unmet as I waited for reprieve, and the bottom slowly fell out. My best hope lay in officially "stimulated" metropolitan Washington, D.C. and yet even here there was a stiffening cold in the market.
I missed my home state more than ever. I had a new thought though, that if I had to be out east I was glad it could be here, right here, southwest Montgomery, MD; that I would have tired of other US-East or US-Central areas much more quickly. This place had even become a valued part of who I was.
I wrote simple songs when my heart would warm and loosen. Excerpt from one recalling home:
there's a sharp and evil light that never fades/ there's a wildness in the wasteland and a quiet rage...
...you have to learn and you have to move along/ but it's always in your memory and it's always in your song/ and maybe someday this street will turn back around/ and we will see the starlight from the hard rock ground
I was growing up quickly, learning many new layers of humor, and I knew that I would be grateful for this time, if it would ever end. I also knew that I would never totally get "there," and so I was finding ways to enjoy the moment, however un-smooth.
Current Mood: mildly subdued, as usual
Current Music: oar- this town
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April 10th, 2009
09:49 pm
Industry betrays the masses. Sneak attacks from swooping cranes and not the bird kind. Big steel teeth grab you, pull you up to your neighbor on the hill. You crash through the window and interrupt his dinner. A religious man, the paranormal chaos sends a shiver and stirs his conscience, and he calls in to report his own embezzlement. Swing back, swing up again, you're flying, free falling and then you aren't. The dog goes to sleep and forgets your face. Good boy, who's a good boy
Current Mood: great day outside
Current Music: de capulet
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April 6th, 2009
11:34 pm
Winifred MacKay of Sudbury, 70, wired in, needing food. Search for homo milk goes all wrong; so bewildered does she dial Google. Five, ten minutes... then some daft boys who sound like Rex. Ever missed, Big Red. "It isn't that I'm without irony."
Harmon's the cat and days are straw.
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April 4th, 2009
12:39 pm - airing my dirty laundry, come gather 'round
I was venting to someone about how I'm batty lately, and the Asperger thing came up, and maybe connecting with others in the same boat. It's funny, it's not something I think about much. I'm skeptical of some modern hoopla. I tend to think like well what did people do before they knew about all these syndromes? Maybe they suffered more, or maybe they just figured out how to live anyway. Probably some of each.
But anyway the point is that A/ I was in fact diagnosed by a professional so that's one level beyond the usual "I've decided I have ADHD" trendiness. and B/ It does kind of fit. Like here on the blog I look back in the archives and on the same day I'll see unusual brilliance and unusual awkwardness (hindsight is 20/20 on this sort of thing). Penetrating insight and shocking blind spots. But then isn't that true for everyone? I guess it's a matter of degree. I'm just more intensely compartmentalized than the average person. If I'm well-rounded it's mainly due to the various obsessions canceling each other out.
It fits in other ways too.
Supposedly the career entry point is one of the hardest times in the life of such people. They/we are said to make good employees but not know how to demonstrate this, and so are frequently rejected for positions at which we would excel. Thinking about it makes me mad, like, "well if people would just pay attention and not be clueless and shallow," but of course the fact is that if they "paid attention" like I do then they'd be up the same creek, and the world needs people who are not like me for the sake of balance, people who are shallow yet broad.
I guess it's good to know that the feeling should be temporary. On the other hand I have too much pride for a "syndrome." Seems like babying myself.
Also it's one of those things that's bound to be misunderstood. People hear Asperger's and they picture someone really "different," when actually, at least according to my sources, it can be a subtle aspect of a person who seems quite "normal." If I am to identify with the label, then I would hope people understand it as the latter.
Anyway, there's finally a fantastic blue sky, after a week of what Kerouac called "evil" days. So then, forget this indoor business. I'm out.
Current Music: toad the wet sprocket "good intentions"
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April 1st, 2009
11:11 am - what can you say really
Hello from Atlanta, where all the flowers are in bloom. I just spent three hours at quite possibly the fanciest sound studio on Earth; I'm amazed at what they did with my simple songs. Some huge names have been in the very same space, and I think I channeled their muses.
Guess I should back up here: yesterday around noon I got an email from a local scout who liked my YouTube video and wanted to talk about a record deal. Wasting no time, I Googled myself a lawyer (not hard in DC) and within an hour, the three of us were hammering out the details at an incognito travertine office suite looking over the White House lawn. I went home to pack up some belongings, and I flew out on red-eye to get started on my new career.
I'll give more detail as it comes. This is all so unreal.
Current Mood: overwhelmed
Current Music: indeed
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March 30th, 2009
04:58 pm - giant-cow-mural deprivation
I'm still a Flagstaff booster. I should stop by some time, if only to purge the nostalgia. Famous last words...
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March 29th, 2009
01:43 pm
Went to a farm again yesterday. I love how roomy that life is. The animals are cool too. A newborn calf is about as cute as you'd expect. And there were very nice people who love to feed you, and feed you well. mm hmm
Current Music: fuel- bittersweet
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March 25th, 2009
10:05 pm - still up creek, i.s.o. paddle
One piece of ammo in the grad school arsenal is going to be the professional recommendation letters. It's hard to think of who to ask. No one ever volunteers (except the personal reference people, but I don't think I need that quite as badly). Yeah I'm just whining, I'll figure it out.
If only I hadn't been so resistant to developing relationships with my supervisors and colleagues, or better yet, professors when I was still in school. It always just seemed awkward, unnatural and fake to do so, but I guess the one thing more awkward and unnatural would be failure. Failure, however, is quite real, so at least I have that. Realness.
Maybe I'll make some better contacts between now and the time I've taken my GRE and am ready to apply. I suppose it should become a goal of mine. Hunting for "in"s. My Washingtonization is complete. Resistance was futile all along.
Am I boring you? 'Cause this is the best I've got. This or nothing.
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March 23rd, 2009
10:19 am
I dreamed that I was walking outside and saw a bear, and then a deer. Then the bear mauled the deer, which made my mom mad, so she started stomping on the bear and yelling at it to stop. I was like, "Mom, it's nature." My little brother corrected me, saying, "actually, adult bears are healthier if they eat less meat."
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March 22nd, 2009
11:24 pm
Tonight I'm missing people and places. And who I used to be, at least in my rose-colored memory. It could be a watershed moment, or it could be just another off mood, quickly forgotten. Time will tell.
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